but I digress...

For the past 5 posts or so ago, I tried to share a very simple concept, and kept getting mired in tangents. Getting mired is rarely fun, as we'll read below.

Finally, the topic at hand: The most brokenly point-weaselish Ork army I ever wrote up for Warhammer 40k. I never played it, 'cause I'm just not a Munchkin at heart, and I knew no one would enjoy facing it.

It was a 2,000 point army. Warboss (nothin' terribly special, but on a cyboar), several small mobz (squads) of Snakebite Boarboyz, pretty much the maximum compliment of Squig Catapults, and the rest in Gretchin.

Here's how it would have worked. I'd deploy the Gretch up front, and fan them out on the opening turn. Each mob of boar-riders allowed one extra runtherd, so the Gretchin could operate at a slightly higher morale rating. Gretch, of course, had very little chance of killing anything. That didn't matter, they were there to be speed-bumps and cover. The idea was that any foe who tried to approach would get mired in melee.

In addition to providing extra Runtherdz, the boarboyz would be available as tactical strike teams. If any enemy unit tried to break through the Gretch screen, I could respond quickly.

What would actually have won the game would have been the often-crappy catapults. These heavy weapons are crewed by Gretchin, and fire hives of Buzzer Squigs. Think killer bees that won't sting Orks. The templates move randomly about the battlefield every turn after being fired. Individually, or as a battery of 2 or 3, the catapults where unpredictable and wacky, but not unbalancing. The odds of any given buzzer squig template bagging a target is normally pretty unlikely. However, I've seen one down a Carnifex, in one shot, on turn one, with a lucky miss (not even a hit). It was seeing that happen that caused me to think of this stratagem.

At 40 points a piece, I could easily afford 20-30 Squig Catapults from the 1,000 points of my support budget, and spread them out across the back of my lines. That meant that even with misfires and the resulting attrition, I could expect to place at least 20 templates on the board on the first turn, and a good 50+ by game's end.

In fact, I just got out the old codex, and did some math. Starting with just 24 catapults my statistical average (counting misfires) would be 69 templates having been deployed before the game ended. Most would miss, but the effect would be total chaotic disruption of the enemy lines. Cover wouldn't help. Toughness and forcefields would be irrelevant. Heavy weapons and melee troops alike would be just wasted points.

I'm pretty sure there's only two strategies that would stand a chance against this.

• Massed indirect weapons fire devastating my gretchin when they were clumped together on the first turn. I don't know if Eldar (or Tau these days) could pull that off, but I'm confident you could build a Guard army that could do it. However, a Guard army needs to roll a 6 to my 1 in order to win the initiative for the first turn. With just one movement phase, I'll have spread out enough to stop it.
  
• The other strategy would be open to Eldar, Space Marines, and Sisters of Battle - it would involve jump packs or teleporters to put entire squads into my deployment zone on turn 2. Most other fast-attack troops would be incapable of getting there in time or be too few in number. Bikes and Genestealers would get mired in the Gretchin waves, heavy vehicles would be an easy target for coordinated catapults, and a Lictor or Imperial Assassin can at best take out two catapults a turn.

Working through this revolutionized the way I built armies for 40k. The best tactics made the game unfun for the other player, which also made me not want to play anymore. I played two or three games after theorizing this army, then switched to Gorkamorka.